Alternatively titled, “I wish that sometimes some of the people I really look up to and/or admire would know that I exist and what I endure and persevere through…”
Gosh, that sounds kind of Eeyore, doesn’t it. Totally what people want to read.
“Oh, noes!! Somebody call Whine-1-1!”
Just pondering, peeps…just pondering.
Thing is, I’m a little fatigued with this skin-falling-off and of the hair-I-don’t-have-much and of the is-it-worth-it that having a bit of a cry in a Subway restaurant whislt eating a flatbread sammy while my husband sits awkwardly not knowing what to say…
I just…I just had this thought about people I look up to and/or admire and I wish that, given all that I do and with all that I give, they’d throw up (not literally) a retweet or a message or a…
*cue sense of entitlement
But it doesn’t work that way. I did, however, want to share a little about the people that I *DO* look up to and/or admire for their journeys through events and circumstances. Reason being, I remember a rather poignant message, during one of my rather less-than-stellar days, from a friend who pointed out that if *I* couldn’t make it through, how the hell would *she* find the effort and ability to do so, as well?
Well, I do the same thing. I look at someone like Maurissa Tancharoen Whedon and I keep going. Not because she, in fact, has Lupus as well…but in addition to it. Not because of her successes, but because of what it takes to create and achieve them, having a mo-fo autoimmune disease, to even set goals, let alone get out of bed while popping pills and having a hate-on for your body. She has her own blog, which she hasn’t updated in, like, forever, but with goals and successes and a mo-fo autoimmune disease, who can really find any fault in that?? It’s So Not Sexy. Check it out. Her and her supporters raising awareness at her local Lupus walk is astounding…she’s just…awesome. Period.
Spencer West. Where to even begin. Honestly. I. Can’t. Even. Thing is? “We Day”? When he was here in Ottawa??? Missed it. Yup. Too late on a bandwagon that sailed that same feckin’ day. Hole in my soul, I swear, when I’d seen it on Facebook. There are so many things…so many successes…climbing a MOUNTAIN…words can’t even. You have to Google his name and just take it all in. I want to ask everything…the how and especially…the “Why.” But not in the “let’s help everyone”…because that’s the point of humanity…but the “Why.” for “Him.” What’s his #gladitude?? THAT is what I want to know…
Do I look up to people that aren’t so public or famous? Of course I do. I think the reason why I wanted to share some of the more public of figures is because… well…awareness is hard work. Causes are one in millions. Lupus doesn’t exactly rank well in the Canadian listing of monies raised for research. I wish I had their kind of platform, but the chaos of my reality doesn’t support the foundation. Some days, I don’t want to even think about it at all.
It’s a hard concept to articulate.
But, when you’re sitting in a Subway restaurant tearfully telling your husband that you’ve come just to the brink of the end…the end of the “Everything.” outside of my personal cosmic bubble…and are
wanting willing to walk away from people, from events, from circumstances…and just reside within the reality I create solely for “Me.”…that perhaps my life will resonate with a fuller kind of soul-soothing meaning.
It seemingly does for other people. I don’t friggin’ get it.
But: Maybe it should for “Me.” as well, no?
In the meantime, there are fuzzy socks and my blind dog and whackadoodle of a *SQUEEE!!*when I’d seen a Whoville ceramic Christmas village the Canadian Tire…
…and of studying the archaeological finds in England and Scotland and of the genius minds creating computational feckin’g amazements to study the dying Betelgeuse…
…and how my right foot starts off a walk and my left foot naturally follows because I keep on keepin’ on.
It might not be enough to change the world…but it’s enough to keep changing mine.