Never crossed my mind to do a #TBT in a blog post.
I may have lost one of the last two remaining, functioning, brain cells in my possession. Amazing what can blow your mind at 9AM as you’re covered in Walnut Gel Stain and high on fumes and Tramadol*.
*no, not really…stuff doesn’t work much anymore, sadly
I had a part of my dream last night as it’s own Throwback Thursday, I guess. Hell, SOMEthing must’ve prompted me to write today! 😉 I dreamt about some of the situations and circumstances I’ve gone through in my journey to “Today.” and I when I awoke, I was all, “Shit, girl…you’re feckin’ awesome! How did you do it??”
How did I do it then…How do I do it now…
Then I started to feel funny. And, not in a “Ha Ha!” kind’o’way.
I’m tired of “do it”‘s…maybe because…well…I’m just feckin’ tired. Today is supposed to be my “Me.” day after eleventy-billion OTHER times I’ve tried to just sit. SIT. I think, perhaps, I need to be a little more specific:
Sit and do not plan. Think, sure…I’ve got more astronomy courses on the go.
Plan? My agenda sits beside me on any given day, because if I don’t look at it, or any of the other THREE calendars in my house…I will lose my feckin’ mind.
So I think.
Clearly, I’ve made it this far without. I think. Jury’s still out on that.
I remember having to grow up a military brat and move every two years until I was 14 years old.
I remember having to get my adulthood together when my parents were stationed away in Anchorage, Alaska.
I remember absolutely fucking that up, epically.
I remember having a baby and not knowing how to get off the system.
I remember going to college as a single mom…I remember my second boy’s birth right at the end of my program and my instructor holding him so I could finish my last assignments (his name was Craig…he taught the software applications unit) and I further remember applying for a second diploma right afterwards because who can find a job with a one month old and a three year old right out of school?
I remember six to eight buses a day in 37C humidex or -37C windchill with two younglings. My daycare was only 7 minutes away by car, one hour via transit because of the directions.
I remember getting job in a law firm before I’d even finished my program.
I remember managing.
I remember The Night.
I remember everything of every circumstance that has led me to writing my experiences as transparent as Windex in order to bring some consolation to someone, somewhere, that life ain’t purple painted ponies pooping butterflies jacked up on SugarSmacks.
I remember making choices. Some weren’t good at all.
I remember the day I realized the common denominator in my shitty relationships and my shittier life was ME.
I remember the day I changed “Everything.”
I don’t often like to remember, to be honest. It hurts a lot. A lot of challenges wrapped up in loneliness and emotional baggage.
But, it brought me to “Me.” and I’m ever grateful to have learned so many lessons that many people don’t/won’t take the time to notice and apply.
My kids will, though. For sure. That brings me comfort.
I think what I appreciate the most about the memories I have is that they don’t fill up the purgatory of my brain crevasses…meaning…I have so much more room to fill up with better, more enlightened, more self-evolved appreciation for the “Everything.” that is “Me.”
I hope to share these with you on these Throwback Thursdays. Little glimpses into memories and events in my life that helped form your Friendly, Neighbourhood Canadian Chronic Badass.