Is there any greater irony than that of writing my first blog post of 2017 on Valentine’s Day as a solo woman??
Nope. Not even a little bit.
Lemme ramble and hope to whatever god(s) you believe in that my point even remotely comes across clearer than mud.
Obviously, I’ve had A Thing. It’s been a pretty Big Thing, in fact. Feeling a little lost…not in a bad way, no, but…not up to standards. I had to reconnect, but I wasn’t exactly sure where to even begin, and with what.
Hence, I bring you to my penultimate of catch-isms: “What’s the common denominator in my life?”
I’d spent a good part of last year finding self care activities that *really* made a difference, but I’d also experienced some kind of psychological bully that prevented me from blogging, and being “Happy.” in general.
Actually, fuck that. I clearly made a choice to allow my emotions to cloud my perception of how I felt about “Me.” and that, when push comes to shove, I fucking love myself. I work hard, I love hard, I parent hard and I live hard.
Holy shit, friends, what happened was that I forgot to “Love.” MYSELF. Actually, truly, not just believe in myself, but to love my entirety: the good, the less-than-stellar, the gracious and the “what the actual fuck, girl?!” I’m not perfect. I believe I was expected to be. However, NOW, I verily believe that circumstances and reactions from other people were allowed to cloud over the essential “Me.” that ain’t hot shit, can be a hot mess or an emotionally responsive twit.
See, I had a messaging convo with a friend last eve’ and I was able to *finally* articulate something that changed, I swear to god, my entire perspective on how I felt about last year and birthing into 2017 (cuz it was a fucking hard New Year and that’s as close to a metaphor as I can muster):
I *have* to remember…*you* have to remember…each and every person’s actions/in-actions, responses/non-responses, are based solely upon their own life’s journey set of circumstances, experiences and events.
Read that again.
Once more, for good measure.
Meaning? STOP OWNING OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT.
I owned too many people’s shit. Left no room for me to either own my own, or to free up space for all those self-care goodies I worked really hard at discovering last year.
Here’s the thing: I had to *remember* that I loved myself. I still did, I can see that by the level of relief I feel within the very essence of my soul…I just had to remember.
Have you? Have you remembered to love yourself? Truly? Honest to gods, truly? Remember the “broken crayons still colour?” meme thingie? THAT. Hold that and I swear do NOT let that sumbitch go.
It’s how my personal self-evolution culminated in the completion of a nine year oath (spiritual journey thing, maybe I’ll write on that sometime). I had spent NINE years looking at every crack, down every crevasse, into every closet and around every corner of my being, to learn about myself, about others, and about the interpersonal connection I hold between them.
Valentine’s Day is a perfect day to write.
Normally, I relish in the cheesy goodness when I’m attached, or get extremely agitated when not.
“V-Day.” Sounds like some kind of villain-esque virus released into the global population. Terrifyingly cool. Maybe. I don’t think I’d actually make it in an apocalyptic world, as much as my head tells me I’d kick some serious ass. o.O
No, this year is different.
This year is really just about telling my family and friends that they matter.
That’d be you. 😉