A brave New Year…

Like most people, I’ve been spending a fair bit’o’time in the chaos of my made-for-tv-movie kind’o’life and taking stock of the year that was. By “fair bit of time,” I really mean, “The entire month of December with it’s asshat emotional holiday season such that I didn’t post once because I couldn’t handle any of it…” amount of time.

To be clear, this year was a total and utter asshat.

True story.

I’m kind of glad I didn’t say, “2015 is going to be MY year!” with a stupid-ass grin on my face because, as it turns out…I’d have taken this year extremely personally and probably be curled up under a rock like the dirt I would resemble in my mind.

But. It wasn’t because it was “bad”…I don’t think time should ever be measured in “good” or in “bad”…but in “acceptable” or “asshat.” If something goes awesome, that’s awesome and should be boasted and celebrated. If something goes less-than-stellar, there’s a lesson in there and it only becomes “bad” if one doesn’t learn from it. I’m always learning. Well, not always learning because things are less-than-stellar, but 2015 sure as shit illustrated the slides and stumbles a little more frequently than the ups and onwards.

I also think 2015 shouldn’t let the door hit its ass on the way out. Not gonna lie. But, unlike most other years, I don’t actually want any expectation out of 2016 because I think it’s going to be the very first time that I will solely focus on manifesting my reality. By doing so, I will be accountable to each up and onward, and also to each event of cosmic asshat-ery.

Here’s the thing. I’m going to say this only once. Well, not “Me.”…but a perfectly fitting cartoon I found on the interwebs:

True story.

True story.

I think we all know the saying that alludes to time being precious, make the most out of life, yadda yadda.

Most people who don’t have a disease, however, may look at these proverbs and mantras very differently than those who do.

Like, me.

See…this is the thing that is summed up nicely in the cartoon I found on the interwebs: I’m living with a different concept of “Time.” Five years ago I sat with my doctor and we had “the discussion”…the “get your shit in order because either your kidneys or your heart are going to cease functioning.” We talked about timelines and we talked about arrangements and we talked about things that no one should ever have to talk about when one is 36 years old.

But, I was a 36 year old with a disease. Specifically, a systemic autoimmune disease with organ involvement. More specifically, by the time I was diagnosed, a systemic autoimmune disease that had been present for nearly a decade prior.

My body was already giving me the *middle finger salute* and no one ever knew.

Time.

Living.

I think it is a brave, incredibly bat-shit crazy thing to consider the upcoming New Year without any expectation because I wish to focus on manifesting my reality because…my reality is “Time,” and the correlation of the potential of not having it.

The timeline that May day was five years.

………………….

So, I’m technically living on borrowed time come May. Ish. Because, really…nothing is ever set in stone, right?

But, that’s the beauty of not having any expectation out of 2016 and of focusing on the manifestation of my reality: I can choose to think of it any way I want to, at this point. It’s not set in stone.

A day, a week, a month, a year. What does that mean to you?

I’m betting dollars to donuts it sure as shit means something very different to “Me.”

This fall’s intensive chemo NAPALM to my system is the best hope I’ve had since that May day where we did all of the talking about all of the things.

I simply wasn’t afforded the opportunity any sooner. My kidney screens were either shit, I’d had a heart attack or…even more awesome (#notreally) was the inability to find the health care team necessary to help me.

But, I did. And, I endured it. And, I’m not gonna lie, doing so while being an on-my-own mom studying two Social Media college courses while working as a mostly-part-time home daycare provider was a really fucking bat-shit crazy thing to “Do.”

This doesn’t make me a martyr. This makes me who I am. Continuing to “Do.” shit with my life.

Nay…continuing to CHOOSE to “Do.” shit with my life.

And, this is what my 2016 is going to look like: Continuing to choose to “Do.” shit with my life. Small things. Big things. EPIC things. Mistakes. Faux-pas. Whatever. Whatever makes me learn who I am and why I’m here.

Because, when you’re living with not only a disease, but a timeline, there are plenty-o-opportunities to not to want to do anything at all. In all honesty, friends…having control over one’s cessation of cellular activity is, at times, seemingly so very much more enticing than just playing your days out by the proverbial ear.

Sometimes my friends have asked me why I take on tasks or commit (as I’m able) to events or opportunities when I should rest and other such obvious-ness. Thing is, and this is going to be a confession you’ll als0 only hear once:

“Do.”ing keeps me here.

Alas, I am here. I am living with Lupus.

2016?

I don’t forsee a good year or a bad year. Not in the least.

I forsee a year where I make the most out of the days, the weeks, the months and the year because I will be choosing to.

Sometimes, “Time” means a very different thing to very different people.

2016 will, most assuredly, be MY “Time.”

What will your “Time.” look like?

4 responses to “A brave New Year…

  1. I look forward to your thoughts on how 2017 will be…. I am NOT ready to give up on you because you have not given up on you. It gives me hope not to give up on me as well. You ROCK, now the word ROCK is in multi-colored layers of planets and stars, and the universe is contained in the O, and so, is also contained in you Brynn. You are the very essence of “do”, and I hope that we can “do” a bit together this coming year.

    HUGS you fab woman.

  2. When reading this I got chills up and down my arms and legs. Partly because of how beautifully and articulately this piece was written, but mostly because of the depth of knowledge, or shall I say innerstanding. (I borrowed a term called inner-standing, not being under or over, but introspectively “inner”).

    Janine has shared a little about you, (nothing short of your your awesomeness of course), but reading this particular piece at this particular time in my life, has resonated with me to my very foundation.

    My head feels woozy, and my knees are wobbly.

    Fuggin brilliantly profound and inspirational.

    Thank you.

    Giibwanisi (Richard)

  3. Yes, exactly this. I’ve been living on borrowed time (but only borrowed from a version of myself) for many years – so I think I’m doing pretty well. But we are always living two roads simultaneously, aren’t we? The road that is named ‘Not Good Enough or Not Enough’ and the road named ‘Grateful To Be Here or Badass Because I’m Here’… Somewhere between the two roads finds the truth of our selves!
    Onwards!

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