A goodbye to a day…

Today’s prompt:  “Let It Be. What’s something that bothers you or weighs on you? Let it go. Talk out the letting go process and how you’re going to be better to yourself for it.”

A year and a day ago I told the man who’d asked me to marry him almost three weeks earlier that I had officially been diagnosed as having Systemic Lupus Erythematosus.

Lupus.

And I think a year and a day is about enough groaning and moaning about it.  I swear I’ve been living my own 7 step program of grief…First step:  Shock & Denial.  Second: Pain & Guilt.  Third: Anger & Bargaining.  Fourth: Depression, Reflection & Loneliness.  Fifth: The upward turn.  Sixth: Reconstruction & Working Through…

Several diagnoses later…here I am.  I’ve spent many a day yearning for the life I used to have…that one…over there…

And oh how I still yearn.  I still yearn when I see the people close to me carrying on…walking, for pete’s sake, without having to “will” their legs to move…opening jars…not having to crawl up the stairs when no one’s looking.

The hardest part for me has been watching…an observer in an orchestration of perfectly chaotic normalcy.

Watching people take courses to further careers…for fun…for the shits and giggles of it all…

Watching people run with their dogs…go on retreats…spontaneously live

Then I saw this:

…and it changed everything.  It has become my mantra.

Step Seven: Acceptance & Hope.

I have to believe…MUST believe…that everything I thought I knew?  I didn’t actually lose it…

It’s kinda like Jean Grey…it’s morphed into something bigger…better…and as much as that scares the shit outta me…

It gives me solace to know that my life has been morphed into something oh-so-very much more than the squandered, limited and naive life I was expecting…

It’s going to be kickass. 😮

This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://info.wegohealth.com/NHBPM

 

One response to “A goodbye to a day…

  1. That quote is the best way to say it, and the thing I have the most trouble with.

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