Confessive natterings…

I’ve been toying with how I feel about this…this “feeling” on the inside that threatens my outsides.

I’ve not posted very frequently for two reasons:

1. I’ve been immersed in a project (182 hours worth and counting) that holds a special value of importance to me; and

2. I’m in the deepest depression I’ve been in since the last time I was taking medication to balance out my snafu’d brain chemicals.

They’re inter-related, in fact…if not for #1, #2 would be oh-so-very much worse.

In fact…truth be told, if it wasn’t for spaghetti for dinner tonight…I would have taken the keys to the van, probably shouted out unintelligible things to the family, and left.

How long? Who knows. For coffee. For dinner…*shrug* Didn’t care.

“Why so serious?”

I’m tired.

I’m tired of battling gossip.

I’m tired of explaining to people that, yes, sometimes you must battle the gossip when the words spewed threaten: 1. your reputation and/or 2. your goals and aspirations.

I’m tired of people taking my ideas and making them their own. Hell, I’m tired of people (a very few, thankfully) taking my very illness and making it their own. Try wrapping your brain around THAT piece of suck…

I’m tired of my illness making me feel like a big bag of suck. And this is feeling better than I did a year ago.

Perspective.

I’m tired of dealing with the “alone” that I feel. When I consistently worked hard at growing a set of fortitude to be able to ask for assistance…and…

[enter crickets chirping, stage left]

And the kicker?

I cry every day. I’ve been having constant flashbacks of The Night.

I cannot watch the news without hearing how a woman’s been killed or raped or spoken to of being raped or written about of being sexually abused…

And I remember.

And it’s like the scar on my hand burns in Harry Potter twin-dom universes.

And I cry.

I should be calling in to the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre to ask about their counselling care…and I can’t. I pick up the phone, I start to cry. I put it down.

I can’t talk to my husband about it, poor bastard…got the short end of the bat-shit crazy wife stick, he did. I can only share some of the allusions to my friends, but not what I see…what I remember…what I’m thinking…and it’s what I’m thinking that is shocking and bewildering.

Thing is…I simply don’t know why………and I feel like it’s slowly sucking the life out of me. Out of the very fibre of my essence.

I’ve made so many positive physical healing changes that I can account for in bloodwork and tape measure numbers…but my soul and my spirit are very, very ill.

I’ve also been experiencing a “spiritual breakdown”…concurrently, no less, to the soul-crushing whateverthefuckitis crack in my essence.

(holy shitballs…is my soul…like…the crack in Amy Pond’s wall?!?!)

People are mean, and it makes me sad.

Mothers shaming other mothers.

Ridicule for a person’s beliefs (when those beliefs don’t hurt anyone, at anytime, anywhere)

Health nuts shaming people’s food choices.

Hell, I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet because I’ve got…are you ready?…a Keurig. And I f\m/king use it. And I have a refillable K-cup.

BUT WAIT!! It’s plastic. Do NOT use plastic because that shit’ll give you cancer!!

I have a fucking autoimmune disease that is eating my heart and kidneys.

Your point, Dude, is moot.

I don’t think people ponder how their comments are perceived. And it’s shaming. And when it’s posted directly to other people, without tact and eloquence, it’s bullying.

I give up.

(no, I sure as shit won’t…)

But I’d like to.

So…………………………………………………………….

How do I get to turn this frown upside down?

Address the important shit.

1. Call the Crisis Centre.

2. Self-care. Even if it means grabbing a goodgawddamnhamburger and NOT having spaghetti. And know that it’s totally okay.

3. Understand and know that the haters play the cards they wish they had. Understand that you are sure as shit entitled to play your own cards and call them the f\m/k out.

4. I’ve been posting pictures of myself that I particularly like, with captions of mantras that resonate with me. I do this not out of vanity (I think I look like an alien…true story…high forehead of freakish proportions…gawd!)…but because although posting epic memes is awesome…posting something directly relate-able to my own path and journey is KICKASS. And that would be…”Me.”

5. Keep on keepin’ on. Seriously. Shit still has to get done…but how I do it is a choice. Make myself a good one. Make myself the right one…for me. Even if that includes chugging back a Bailey’s and coffee made from a Keurig refillable plastic K-cup.

6. Colour!! I need to come up with some kind of Bat-signal geek thing for when I haz the needz for colour.

Tomorrow I will let you in on the purchase of wearable “Colour!!” and “Happy!!” from the Ottawa Geek Market…you will not be disappointed.

True story.

Thank you for listening…if, indeed, you made it through…I should make you a t-shirt…or give you a mug or something. xox

 

Keep on keepin' on...

Keep on keepin’ on…

6 responses to “Confessive natterings…

  1. Jason Robichaud

    IT may not be enough, but like you * I . GET. YOU. Im sorry your dealing with a terrible reoccurring feeling and flash back. My heartbeat goes out to you. I only wish I could create something to make you happy. Like sending colour. I hope that you can look deep inside you and find the inner pinup to hold you up.

    I . GET. YOU <3<3

    Also whether it is vain or not, posting images of yourself is fun. You dont need to feel sorry for it. We love your creativity!

  2. HUGS! You are strong and you can do this! Look at your track record for gawds sakes, lol. Pick up that phone and pour all the poison in your heart and soul out. Remember the sun, and bright colours and love of the people that care about you and draw it in from your head through your body down to your very toes. Feel the warmth burn away the pain until there are no roots left. Surround yourself in innocence and good when you feel your weakest and remember the good. I’m praying that you get release from this soon. Sending love your way and gentle hugs, unless you like pick up bear hugs regardless of pain, lol.

  3. <3<3<3

  4. I hear you.

    #1 If you pick up the phone and cry, that is what they are there to hear.
    #2 Try a hambugger with an egg and peanut butter,,, its a guilty pleasure :3
    #3 Haters suck, kick them in the shins!
    #4 You are BEYOND BEAUTIFUL ! Your forehead is perfect for wearing the circlet of the Queen of Color!
    #5 Baileys in coffee, is a lovely thing. Anyone who says otherwise in a hater way,, ,, refer to #3!
    #6 If there was just one thing Honeybee and I can help with to make your day better, let us know 🙂 One Brynn signal, DONE.

    We love you , we are better for having you in our world <3

  5. You are one of my favorite souls. Fact.
    You are heard. You are felt. Your words and your feelings are valid and they deserve a high level of respect and care. My world is brighter and more joyful because you are you and you are here, caring and writing and sharing YOU in your own way, for you.
    It’s sad and enraging that others would waste energy on spreading hatred and judgement. Especially (it seems) on those with the best hearts.
    You have my ear whenever you need it. You have my friendship, strength, love and support always. Fact. Truth. Always. I’m so glad you’re making the call, working on this project, and most of all taking care of you.
    And if you send that signal out, we will rain so much colour and love upon you that the world will think it’s a Skittles commercial. Heck, we may do it anyways on occasion because we can and it’s for you.

  6. I love you.
    I will never understand what you go through in a day, because I have never been close to going through what you do.
    But I love you.
    And I am always here for you.
    Always.
    <3

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