Dear Mail Fairy,
I received your card in the mail a few days ago, in fact. I’ve just been so busy with The Everything that time has alluded me to post appropriately.
I see that you’ve intentionally neglected to leave a signature, and I am going to be sneaky and thank you anyway…here.
Thing is, it’s a Thank You card. The words are, indeed, fitting. And, you’ve no idea why I’m still rereading the words.
I’mma gonna fill you in.
Today would be one of those days where I’m all emo’n’shit and wonder why the bloody hell I even bother.
See, it’s been hard. Extra-so. I’m still reeling from feeling now-totally-invisible to someone who mattered. There is no hope in that regard and I’m not even looking forward to the New Chapter. I’m emotionally drained and spiritually spent and wonder who on this beautiful blue and green orb hurtling through time and space cares to care about ”Me.” #suchagirl
My youngest is *still* recovering from surgery last week. I know these things take time, but when his little eyes implore you needing to know why he had to have it…it pulls on my otherwise heart-being-as-asshat strings.
I’m still managing the chemo infusions. Want to know the great part? I’m sick enough to have finally gotten in to the Lupus Clinic in Toronto. I qualify for videoconferencing for appointments and the reports’n’shit get forwarded to my asshat rheumatologist and my most amazing GP (true story…she’s amazing).
Yup. I’m currently managing a treatment schedule so hardcore they had to measure my Everything in order to calculate just how much/how many infusions they could do consecutively before my kidneys implode or my heart ceases cellular activity. #truestory
I repeatedly manage commentary affording me the mockery at having had so many children (because twins were on sale that week and I can’t pass up a deal) to manage while in the throes of my made-for-tv-movie kind’o’life.
The newest one has been a commentary, in a nutshell, about how someone’s feeling towards ”Me.” threatens them and, hey, what will happen when I’m gone and pushing daisies (which, incidentally, I hope to have a pyre so epic it could be seen from space...#reallynotreally)?
I came to a remarkable epiphany this morning:
I know why I don’t ask for help.
I can’t get it when I need it from the people who are supposed to give it.
Thusly (oh, how I told you thusly…#bonuspointsforthosewhoknow), I think I actually have a psychological block preventing me from saying anything to anyone at all.
This morning my daughter’s stomach decided to go all Rambo on itself and hurl chunks at 5AM. Because I’m so physically drained, cleaning up left me hurling right beside her.
Bonding moments. #parentingwin
The words in that card?
Yeah, I totally needed them. To think that you took time out of your own health concerns and life journey to find it, write in it, and mail it off means more to me than you could possibly understand, and I cannot thank you enough.
You’ve helped me keep on keepin’ on at just the right time.