Boy, depression is an asshat. Been working through the throes of the Ugly these past few weeks. This week has been insanity. Daycare kids are dropping like flies to strep throat. 10 hour days (yes, I’m saying it again…) are just dropping my pain threshold levels to nil.
One of the nights this past week, I silently crept up to my room to just lay there an cry. I don’t need a pity party…not pulling a “Call the Waaaaaaaaaaa-mbulance”…but holy fuckerdoodles, friends…the pain was unbearable.
Nothing ever reduces your feeling of a loss of control, like pain. I remember contractions, yes…but by the gods didn’t they at least ease up after a few and, well, BABY.
This kind of relentless pain haunts your very soul. It’s a demon that resides in the dark corners of your mind, showing itself when you’re already feeling beaten and bruised.
I lay there and pondered the following:
1. I should make a video to post showing the absolute reality of living with an autoimmune disease. The crying. The shaking. The toes curled up when your muscles atrophy temporarily from the pain.
2. I think, by all accounts, it’s really only my littlest twin boy that keeps me anchored to living. My children would be well cared for. Thing 2, however, is needing a soul-energy that understands “Him.” That would be, “Me.”
I ponder these kinds of things when I’m feeling my absolute worst. When I’m feeling lost and forgotten*.
*forgotten isn’t the right word, exactly…neither is “lonely”…but they are closest to the feeling one has…
What am I glad I took the time to notice over the past while? What brought a little sumpthin’ to my otherwise bat-shit cray-cray kind’o’life?
Always astounds me how generous people are with their own time within their own chaos of reality. A friend of mine sent a treat in the mail. Another friend left me an actual voice message on my Facebook. I didn’t even know that was a thing.
I think the Cosmos has a good chuckle on my behalf. These kinds of generosities always, always, comes when I feel the lowest of the “What the fuckernackles is the point?!?!?”
Likes and comments and messages, OH, MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
I also noticed how the Cosmos gave me a bit of a break, though through the kids’ illnesses, with how many younglings I had on any given day. Only one day of all seven. Three were mine, four daycare.
Watching our blind cocker spaniel, Rose, and our then-foster feline, bond together. Playing together.
Then-foster. We just adopted him into our family. Rose should always have a companion. 😉 (bonus points to those who “get it”)
Meet “Ender”…because…Enderman. And, Ender’s Game.
So much win.
Breezes through leaves.
We’ve lost a lot of trees in the area due to the Emerald Ash Borer.
It’s a beetle.
It destroys Mountain Ash trees.
I know this, because I’m on the Board of Directors for my condo and I’ve had to learn and deal with this ongoing crisis. Stupid beetles. *evil stabby glare of bug-ness*
But, the birch trees are still there. I’ve a particular affinity for birch trees. Makes me remember my house in North Bay, Ontario. We’d had 32 birch trees in our backyard. <3 There are many birch trees on the land where our family goes camping. <3
I like to sit whilst the younglings are playing and see if I can see images or words or runes in the lines of the birches. 🙂
I bring my fibers and drop spindle on occasion, my colouring book and pencils another…and I always have one of my Astronomy magazines in my bag.
So, I will sit there and enjoy the blissful “Happy.” of children. I will swing on the swingset and I will have a picnic under the birches.
I always choose to find those little things that keep me keepin’ on.
What did you notice this week?