My buttcrack ATM…

Every day I watch people on my social media forums struggling…not just to get a doctor or a specialist. Hell, not even to get them to LISTEN. No, I watch people struggling just to keep food on their table and a roof over their heads. Of course that’s the worst case scenario, but it’s happening…I’m watching it. The majority are struggling nonetheless.

Like me.

Huh? “But you’ve got a man who has awesome benefits!!”

I do. Very much so. And do you know how much money I’m sucking from them? Less than $20. Every THREE months. Why? Pfffffbbbbbbtttttttttttt………you assume that I’ve met the most awesome doctor and/or specialist that could (or even would) prescribe me medications that might in some small way alleviate the “hounds of hell” issue.

No. I’ve no such luck in that regard.

So, I’ve been researching ways to alleviate the “hounds of hell” issue on my own. People are also very generous in their offers of, “Try THIS…I think it could help”…and I very much know they are right.

I also very much know that they very much know that it costs the equivalent of a small country’s GDP to maintain such ways to alleviate the “hounds of hell” issue. Going only as often as my benefit coverage allows is akin to telling you, “don’t have another headache for 12 weeks, okay?” If I go, and it helps…that’s just…that’s just downright cruel.

Ever heard the saying, “Do you think I can just shit money out of my ass?!?!”

Well, thankfully, we live in an automated society. Nothing need be so messy. No, instead, I say:

“Hold on, lemme just swipe my bank card down my butt crack and pay for that!”

*shrug* It could happen.

So, what kinds of things could alleviate, then, my unfortunate issue??

SHOW…ME….THE MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”

Laundry service $20/hr for 3 hr minimum = $60.

Massage $80/hr, for the average (after the $500 benefit is reached – in 6.25 sessions)

Cleaning service $20/hr for 2-3hr minimum = $40 – $60 AND I have to supply you with cleaning product!? Add in another $20.

Chiropractic care: $40/session (after the $500 benefit is reached – in 12.5 sessions)

Homeopathic Doctor:

Adult Initial Visit: $185 for a visit lasting up to 2 hours

Adult Follow Up Visit: $70 per half hour

Acupuncture: $55 per session.

Psychotherapy (well, because we’re all making this shit up, right?) $125 for 60 minutes

Compression gloves: $49.99

Food preparation: Supperworks:

12 entrees (each entrée serves 4-6 people) = $333.00
($4.63 per serving based on six servings per entrée)

9 entrees (each entrée serves 4-6 people) = $265.50
($4.92 per serving based on six servings per entrée)

6 entrees (each entrée serves 4-6 people) = $180.00
($5.00 per serving based on six servings per entrée)

…And if you want them to split up the servings…guess what. You pay extra.

Personal Assistant (aka “concierge services”) because there ain’t NO way on this good green earth I’m going to look for one on Kijiji. Sorry. No.

“Hey, stranger, here’s $100, please go get this for me”…[enter 2 weeks later, crickets chirping]

Moving on….concierge services:

Helping Hand

5 Hours

$300

All of our packages entitle you to have an unlimited amount of users designated to your account so you can share the gift of time with friends and family.

More Time

10 Hours

$600

More Life

25 Hours

$1375

Freedom

50 Hours

$2500

$300. 5 hours. $60/hr.

I’m in the WRONG business:

Me. Daycare. 10 hours. $30/day = $3/hr/kid. Before taxes. Before overhead.

2 kids. $6/hr. (summertime/P.D. days/holidays)

Minimum wage in Ottawa? $10.25

FAN-freakin’-tastic.

So, then…am I to add more kids in order to make more money in order to get more “special services” that could, in theory, help me lead a happier and healthier life?

Moving on….

Motrin Super Strength Liquid Gels 60’s (200mg) on SALE: $9.99

how many/day x days in the month because really, who knows if it’ll be a flare day/week/month?

(Hold on, lemme drop trousers for a second…’beep’…’beep beep beep’)

Green Tea – Gotcha! Can’t take it. It boosts your immune system. My system is OVER-active, not UNDER-active.

Volatren – $15.99. How long does a tube last me? Who knows just yet. I hoard the stuff. It’s like…it’s like it has this magical substance in it that, if I were to USE it, it would not be replenished once the tube is dry. I’m OCD. Leave me alone. I’m working on it.

Hmmmmmm…what else? Notice anything glaringly missing?

Yes. There is not a single prescription in there. I chose to give you full credit that you know how much your medications cost. I chose to also give you full credit that you look at your medication receipt to know how much your medications WOULD have cost you, had you no coverage.

Imagine the cost for people with no coverage whose lupus is severe enough to require chemotherapy injections.

It also has no supplement costing in here. You know, the “Take 3 capsules, 3-4 times a day” bullshit. Listen, I have NO problems with people who know what they’re doing taking supplements. None at all. I, on the other hand, know absolutely jack shit and truly risk killing myself with a contraindication of combining them without knowing how each one affects any of the eleventy-billion things that afflict me. So now I refer you back to the homeopathic doctor costing.

Conclusion: Only the rich are afforded the resources to heal?

5 responses to “My buttcrack ATM…

  1. Amen.(I'm currently working on a way to subsidize my voltaren habit. Stupid lupus, no one will by my kidney)

  2. I still haven't been able to find a doctor who is accepting patients and is willing to take me on with all of the possibilities of what might be going on with me. 🙁 We need more doctors! *sigh*

    People should keep their opinionated words to themselves and just keep loving and trying to support those who need it. Unless you have walked a mile in that person's shoes shut the Frak up… sorry vent mode off. In summary let me just say that I hear ya babe and keep up the fight! Hugs…

  3. *Nods to the voltaren gel* I found the bigger tubes and hoard them as much as I can afford to. It's interesting isn't it – the cost put on health that people who are relatively healthy don't see or understand.

  4. Have you tried that chinese liquid rub on stuff I gave you a while back? I've found it give similar relief as those things like Voltaren, but it costs WAY less. They also have it in a roll on for easier use. I'll pick on up when I'm next in china town for you to try if you like. I also have some Biofreeze stuff that I bought but don't need, it's something the physiotherapists often use, and I bought it at a massage supply store for a reasonable price.

    As for massage, it'd be handy if you knew a massage therapist O_o
    We could talk about a discount, also you could try 45 or 30 minute treatments, in order to make the benefits last longer.

  5. I love voltaren, i just got introduced to the stuff a few months ago and now we're starting a long term relationship (he smells funny though).

    I'm with you on the cost of everything, though my Dr/Uncles cover my medication, as I DM'd you last week i have to pay for all my painpills. Luckily though, those give me the spoons needed to be completely OCD about cleaning, and cooking. I've never tried massages though, I really hate being touched so i think I would just tense up into a ball and hiss at the massage person… kinda like what hamsters do when you poke them while they're sleeping (if you're kids have ever had hamsters i know you know what im talkin about lol) I really wish I lived there, I would give you a great deal on Silas's maid service. Before i started my home buisness during my first 2 years of having lupus i was actually a house keeper in a motel, for some reason the chemicals gave me brain damage because i just LOVED cleaning even after i stopped working there. Ontop of that Im forever making way to much food, with no one to feed it to. Jees you know it might just be cost effective to either move here, or put in a basement suite for me 😛

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