The day my back stood still…

I’m no stranger to pain.

I have had five children…even carried two at a time within my womb.

I have had kidney stones 3 times.

I have had a gallbladder attack so bad I was wanting to stab myself with whatever I could find in that damn emergency room broom closet I’d been stuff into.

 

I’m the BADASS of pain management.

Yesterday?

Yesterday was the Clash of the Titans within my previously flare-weakened carcass.

It was a PD Day for my daycare girls.  They were playing at the dining room table yesterday morning and I was just puttering and tidying up.  I remember looking at the flyers on the table (I’m a flyer whore, I swear…I stalk the flyer dude…I need to KNOW what’s on SALE!!!)…Then I remember that when I’d straightened up, my back felt I’d just been shot.

(going out on a limb here, not ever actually having been shot before)

I panicked.  Five months of dealing with intensely localized pain in this very same area just went into hyper-drive.  I couldn’t “feel” my leg!!  It wasn’t numb, per se…it simply didn’t exist at all! “omgomgomgomg”…was all I could manage to think.  What do I DO!?!?!?

It took me almost a half an hour just to co-ordinate the immediate logistics.  That scared me in itself, for what would’ve happened had I suddenly ceased to exist?

Lesson learned: Make that damn list of “Important Telephone Numbers.”

I got the daycare girls picked up by their dad, my children arranged for to be met at the bus stop after school, my husband to come home and friends to be on “standby”.

Made it to the emergency at the hospital.

LONG story shortened, as it took four hours to get called into a room, and another one hour to see the nurse and another one and half to see the doctor, and another half hour to get all my trophies.

I was stuck with pain, the likes of which mimicked my kidney stone pain…for almost five hours with nary but the Tylenol the triage nurse had given me upon our arrival. I was nauseous and sat beside my good ol’ hospital blue/green puke bowl.

I had two needles worth of the awesome Morphine/Gravol cocktail.  I’d had a needle of Toradol.  I took a pill of an anti spazmodic.

I had my epiphany.  I realized, at one moment staring up at that sterile ceiling, that this was, by far, the most best/worst day I’d ever had.  Best?  Because I wasn’t alone.  Worst? Because I realized that after all that had transpired that day…the co-ordinations…the anxiety…the stress…the PAIN…that I simply don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.

So?  So I need to come up with an “Operation Change of Plans.”

So far, I’ve made it clear to myself that I’m taking the time off of work.  Thus, my daycare parents have been informed of such.

Next, I will need to re-examine (for the eleventy-billion-eth time) my priorities.  I suck ASS at staying within my boundaries and often (okay, DAILY) push my limits and overdo…well…life itself.  This?? I cannot push this.

I’m currently awaiting a call from the hospital indicating when my MRI is going to be this week.  I’ve been put in on an emergency basis.  I’ve also had the suggestion made to inform my doctor that after the MRI is done, that I can then get referred to the hospital to have epidural cortisone injections to help manage the pain.

DUDE.

Spinal injections to manage the pain??  Who the hell wants to live like this?!?!? 🙁

BUT…it is something I will have to do in order to do the things I need to do in life…like live

THEN it came to me…I’m going to need to come up with some kind of “thing” to better enable me to be effective as a PARENT for the upcoming week.

Right now, I’m currently taking a cocktail of Flexeril, Naproxen and Dilaudid.  Now…in addition to pain…I’m STONED and in pain.  FABBBBBBBBB-U-LOUSSSSSSS (sung all sing-song like whilst shaking hands out in front).

Today and tomorrow are fine…the littles are with their dad.

BUT: even today…I’m having a hard time just getting to the bathroom.  How in the blue hell am I gonna get homework done, lunches made, bathing, and whatever eleventy-billion things I do each day…done???

Yup.  I’ve got an amazing husband.  Nope, I am NOT expecting that he do everything.  Will he?  Most likely.  But I don’t like the stress/strain it puts on him.  On ANYONE, really.  Try having a discussion with yourself about lowering standards and lessening expectations when you’re tripping out on pharmaceutical poison. (O.O) If anything in this post even makes a cent of sense…LOL!!!

Anyway, my point is this: This week is going to be one helluva hard week for me, both on a personal AND professional basis.  I’ve not yet had any of my afflictions affect my work to this degree of “spontaneity” and I’m just glad it’s three days off, and not a “for good.”  I want to be able to dictate when that “for good” is going to be.

Yesterday?

Yesterday just showed me how much control I just simply do not possess…

9 responses to “The day my back stood still…

  1. I know that you are giving up the daycare soon but this back crisis may have just shown that you need to let it go sooner. I know that my health lately has convinced me that I need to give up my part-time work soon and plan to do so as soon as Michel’s probationary period of three months is up on his new job that starts end of February.

    You and I both suffer from what I call Perfectionist Mom syndrome. We do not have to do it all and what we do get around to doing does NOT need to be perfect. Figure out what you spend your time doing right now in your life and decide what activities are able to be done by someone else. Then look and decide what things you love to do and set time aside for those. Life needs to slow down for you or it will force you to slow down as yesterday proved.

    Remember the most important thing in your children’s lives is not that they have a perfectly clean house and get to do multiple after school activities, it is that YOU are in their lives. If something doesn’t give they may not be able to say that.

    I love you but it really is time to take stock and love yourself enough and Shane and the kids enough to say NO and put down your warrior’s sword for awhile. The landscape of your life has changed and now you need to change your expectations in order to live in the new landscape.

    Hugs and oodles of love and remember that I am always just a phone call or email message away.

    Pam

  2. Thank you for this post. No one can ever truly understand THAT level of pain unless they’ve been there; no one can relate to the terror of being incapacitated.

    Time to install “support bars” in the bathrooms just so you can do your business?

    OMG I don’t know what to say but for the fact that I can be there for you in a heartbeat, WILL be there. Put my phone number in a big RED font on your “to call for assistance” list. Dude, I live 5 minutes away.

    Please try TRY to stop pushing your spoon limit, even if just for ONE week, you can keep your sorry-ass painful carcass stuck in a chair, bed, whatever-feels-comfortable-for-a-second and let others do stuff for you.

    R knows what it feels like to be shot – in the kidneys- and deals with that pain every day.

    **hugs** I wish I could do more for you than the simple lighting of a candle and sending a prayer and energy your way. Will you let me? Will you let us, your friends?

  3. “How in the blue hell am I gonna get homework done, lunches made, bathing, and whatever eleventy-billion things I do each day…done???”
    You’re not.
    And that is ok.
    Let me repeat that…. it is OK!!
    How many times have you done it all as a single mom? For how many days? Did you manage? Yep. Not easy? Probably not. But you did it and so can your amazing husband.
    Do not feel guilty. That I definitely need to repeat… do NOT feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself, that is your only job for the next few days. He will survive, your kids will survive, the world will still spin, I promise you.
    Pain is easy compared to not only needing help but accepting it. Trust me, I can count on one hand how many times I have asked for it and still have fingers left. But I made things so difficult for myself, made recovering harder, didn’t treat my body the way I needed to.
    Please, please, please… there has to be a reason we all connect at different times in our journey with lupus etc. Me, so you can learn from my mistakes, you so I can remember that even when I am feeling better I still need to stay part of raising awareness and support for those who aren’t. So let Shane take care of everything for a couple days. There are a thousand more days you will back to it.

  4. I have seen your posts on FB and I have been worried for you…doing too much until its all comes crashing down. I admire you being so open about your life and pain. I don’t tell people unless I have to because it is impossible for others to understand the level of pain associated with Lupus and its neverending supply of associated diseases/problems. I did the same thing – when I was feeling good I did EVERYTHING for my 3 boys and husband. I was just in denial until this past 6 months I have no choice, I’m down for the count…..I ruined my health by not taking correct meds, not staying out of sun, and doing too much. The disease controls me now instead of the otherway around. Life is short, until you’re faced with death you don’t realize what you would do to live – good luck to you.

  5. Brynn,
    What you usually achieve on a bad day, I couldn’t hope for (or have learned not to hope for) on a good day.
    You don’t have to be superwoman. When you stop and just look after yourself you’ll be surprised to discover the world still ticks on its own merry way.
    You’re an amazing woman, and you’ll still be an amazing woman if you cut back to a quarter of what you’ve been doing, or even less.
    Keeping you in my prayers,
    Iris

  6. Your final sentence says it all girl. Relinquish. Cause no matter how much you try to plan your path, life will through you curves, and no matter how many times you try to swerve, you just gotta go with the punches, down whatever road it leads you. Everything will work itself out, it will. It may not look so at this very moment. But lowering our expectations of ourselves is also very important. We are no longer as strong as we used to be. And that’s ok. And letting other people help in whatever way they can, is also ok. Isn’t that what humanity is all about? helping each other out? We’re here for you, in whatever way we can, in whatever way you need. Take this time to heal.

  7. I just started browsing here and saw this…I’ve had those shots in my back and they are GREAT! I have 2 herniated discs in my spine and got the injections for them. My back muscles spasmed a bit when they put the needles in, but the doctors just stopped to wait for them to calm down and removed them and we were all set. I could hardly walk after the first one, almost fell over on the way to my car, but it got better every hour. I and then better all together. Good luck with it!

  8. Pingback: Impossible? *I’m* possible! | Lupus Interrupted

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