Came to a conclusion the other day…coming to terms with my inability to squelch the barks of The Black Dog or the temptress call of Half Baked Ben & Jerry’s, both far too oft.
Conclusion being? I want to withdraw my public efforts. Of participating in the Everything of Everyone.
No, it doesn’t mean not going on social media, etc…I’ve got shit to plan and events to run and a blog to bring words to those who can’t find them.
Nope. I mean of the peeking into the lives of the Everything else. Like, deeper in my soul, kind of thing. Notwithstanding I’ve been travelling a road (and by road, I mean chewed up, beaten path full of puddles and LEGO pieces and the odd bit of skeleton past, like, leg bones’n’shit) of existential crisis…I’ve been trying to find solutions in the all of the wrong places. YOUR places. And, your journey is not my own, thusly (and oh, how I told you thusly) I need to get out of the Everything of Everyone and find my own.
Not easy. And, suffice it to say, I don’t really want to. I like being a part of the Everything of other people. Quite frankly, I’m afraid of missing something.
Quite frankly, I’m afraid of being forgotten.
Yet, as I scrolled down my Facebook feed this morning, I found myself increasingly agitated by all of the “Everything” I won’t be able to attend or lack the capacity to participate in…I’m also bombarded by triggers of So. Much. Pain. and of remembrances of bullies and rumour and heart-hurts…
And, it doesn’t always seem to balance the things like being interviewed for blogs’n’books and being asked for quotes for promotional materials.
And then there’s this:
A view from Floor 31.
More and more my physiological response to removing myself to somewhere I can ponder the answer to life, the universe and Everything…is overwhelming. No anxiety, no heart palpitations, no fears, no shame, no irreparable soul damage*.
*totally aware that I need much more bubble wrap than I currently possess…
In a nutshell, I feel free. And, I like it.
So, my challenge to myself in needing to own my shit regarding my current state of emotions is to mantrify myself (totally a word: the act of making a mantra… *shifty eyes*) into accepting a reprieve from the Everything of Everyone Else.
My challenge is to combine the Everything of “Me.”…the colour, the Cosmos (not the asshat one), the ancestry, the mixed media, the Gods, the kubb, the blog, the healing…kind’o’like a really big spiritual smorgasbord.
It will totally have Ben & Jerry’s. Just sayin’.
Challenge ’42’: [Accepted]