Think it forward…

Thirteen days.

I’ve been solo during the school hours for 13 days now.

During these thirteen days, my holy-crap-on-a-cracker epiphany came to me on day twelve.

I have not had one. Single. Day. of just resting.  Takin’ it easy.  Chillaxin’.  SITTING.

And on day twelve…I realized just why.

Let’s backtrack just wee….shall we?  Twelve days of ridiculous anxiety.  I’m talking, tummy troubles, heart palpitations (which of course are freakin’ me out!)…chest pains, muscle tension…and a general feeling of “ARGH!.”

So, I’m thinking to myself, “Who the hell LIVES like this?!?!”.  And it came to me, like a cosmic slap in the face…an epiphany like no other…

…while I was driving…

I do not like this.  This “being alone” thing.  It’s uncomfortable.  By uncomfortable, I mean that I would rather have my new glasses on and go outside.  By uncomfortable, I mean that I would rather keep myself in a constant state of Go, Go Spazzy Girl than sit down.

THIS is what is comfortable:  Clean.  Tidy. Order.  Dude, I’m in my home 24/7.  I don’t work outside the home anymore…I work INSIDE the home.  When things accumulate, it causes me stress.  Yes, ha ha, Go Go, OCD Girl…but truly, the most common “to-do” with chronic illness is to “reduce stress.” (gawd love the asswipe that figured THAT dandy out and probably won a stupid prize for it…I digress…)  Disorder? Clutter? Mess?

IT STRESSES ME OUT!!  

I don’t understand how much more clear I could make that (although the irony of watching me discover I’ve run out of Windex is not lost upon me…)

But it doesn’t stop THERE.  At the “life maintenance” of it all.  Oh no…now comes the “oh-em-gee I finally figured out the solution to world peace!” kind of epiphany.

I don’t like it, and it’s uncomfortable because…for the first time in probably 16 YEARS…

I am aware of myself.

How to explain.  Well, when I’m constantly busy…constantly moving, pushing through the pain and my oh-so-very obvious limitations that I choose to ignore because it makes me oh-so-very happier to do so…my thought process is continuously OUTSIDE of myself.  I’m always “thinking forward“…need to do this…need to put that away…need to stuff laundry in a machine…need to…need to…need to…I am extrapolating my thoughts OUT of myself…

You know how when you’re busy at work, say, and the “time just flew by today!”??  You’re not aware of the surroundings…you just “go go go”.  Your thoughts are always on top of the next task to do.

Being alone?  All of a sudden that thought process turns in on itself…TO. ME.

What the blue HELL is THAT all about?

I can have a “thought” that is completely all my own.  For example, I can think about how my body is truly feeling.  I can think about how much I would rather NOT think about how my body is truly feeling.  I can think about…anything!  I can think about what it would be like to be famous.  I can think about what it would be like to be debt-free.  I can think about the damned zombie apolcalypse!!

If all of my “tasks” are, for the moment, done (for example, by 8:36 a.m. this morning my kitchen was cleaned, the downstairs bathroom was cleaned and the main floor swept)…what do I have left to think about?

(O.O)

It’s scary and uncomfortable and I don’t like it at all.

It makes me feel…”lost”…I don’t like “lost”…I like “control.”  This does not conform to the chaos of my reality.  Not at ALL.

Now I have to, ironically, “think” of how to adjust to this!!  Weird, eh?

On another note…got my new glasses. Sjögren’s can take a flying frek-off…momma’s got herself some new “accessories.”  Actually, so can the Grade 9 boys that used to throw peanuts at me on the school bus.  When I was in Grade 10. 🙁 Assholes.  Why are kids so mean!?!? *sigh*

Anyhooooo…I hope my eyes have a chance to heal by nixing the contacts for awhile.  I’m still having a slight residual headache (Though totally exacerbated by a mo-fo pinch in my neck. Again.) from the adjustment.  I’m also still having quite the anxiety attack wearing them in public.  Childhood trauma SUCKS.  Just sayin’.

And Lyrica, Shmyrica.  Still only doing the 75 mg dose.  Kickass for helping me sleep.  However, reached the actual “benefit” plateau and now every morning I’m right back to stiff/burning/hounds-of-hell-ate-my-ass feeling.  But I will not suffer the cognitive impairment like I did before.

Today? Today was my goal of “nothing.”  At all.  Just sit and chillax.

Okay, so I didn’t do so hot-shit with it…but I’m sitting NOW…and I’m going to do something SO totally OUT of my character, it’ll even knock ME onto my I’ve-earned-this-ass.

I’mma gonna play me some video games.  *SQUEEE* If I’m going to go uncomfortable, people…I’m going to GO.  ALL.  THE.  WAY!!!! ;o)

7 responses to “Think it forward…

  1. I love this post. It totally resonates. Your blog truly is inspiring for me as I am going through the gamut of trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Invisible illness sucks because it seems doctors have a hard time both wanting to and figuring them out. I am continuing to read your blog and be lifted. I am an OCD control freak with anxiety issues that I am starting to figure out so I grok.

    • Interesting point re: doctors not “wanting” to figure it out. Why? Because it’s hard. Because it challenges them to have to “think outside the box” that conventional education might not, in fact, have taught them close to ANYTHING in their quest to fix humans ;o)

  2. So true. After being asked so many times by friends and doctors “how I go about every day in a pain that would knock someone else on their ass and be sooo productive and accomplish so much” it occurred to me that I was going through the day, at some level dissociative and that the reason I am able to live with this chronic pain is because I do not stop long enough to feel it, because if I did, i’d seriously start to cry….

    • YES!!! “Disassociation”. I completely agree. It’s not right, it’s not fair, but in the interest of maintaining any quality of life…it’s just necessary.

  3. Your new glasses look GREAT! I hope they serve you well.

    I know what you mean about being present–not always an easy thing to do— just spending time with yourself. Hang in there. I hope it gets easier.

    Cheers

    • Thank you SO much!! It’s a pretty petty thing sometimes, but compliments in this case are well received on my end!! I already have less headaches (from the previous constant blinking to re-wet the contact lenses)…but it’s still an adjustment in peripheral vision ;o)

  4. Rya Cowperthwaite

    I totally understand the anxiety about wearing glasses in public. Childhood trauma! isn’t it fun? This is why the only time I wear my crooked I need a new pair glasses is at home, outside it’s contacts all the way.

    And go video games! Might as well make it fun eh?

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