Through the looking glass…..

*braindrain*…..I’m having one of those days. I warn you now. I’m also PMS’ing, which in itself is frustrating…but guess what also aggravates your flares?? Oh yes. Yes, it does. All those extra hormones and chemicals and shit running through my blood, my muscles, my joints….I’m having an “OMG I’ve been hit by lightening!!!!” kind of day (seriously, I’ve been electrocuted. I was 5. Convulsions and the whole 9 yards…I “know”).
I want to curl up in a wee (okay, not so wee….I’ve had 5 kids….I’ve earned this ass) ball and cry for hours….I think I actually fell down the rabbit hole… not all pretty with frilly dress, but scraggly eye-bulging vein-throbbing pill-popping land spot on my ass “fell down the rabbit hole”…
But the only reason you’d ever know it was that I just told you. Why is that? (no, seriously…why IS that??)
I look fine. Some days, although I’m probably about the most OPPOSITE of vain you’re ever gonna see….I look pretty.
This….is me:
*shrug* I can’t really comment….I don’t like pictures very much…..I think I look like an alien.
ANYWAYS……my point is this: You don’t know how I’m feeling until you are told how I’m feeling. Right? Right.
Because it LOOKS like there is nothing wrong with me.
I’ve even heard, “Oh! You’re looking good, you must be feeling better!!” No. No, I don’t. Why would you say that? What in the blue hell correlates how I look on the outside with how I FEEL on the inside? How my joints are inflammed. How my cells are attacking my other cells that I really do need….
Genetics, my friends, is what keeps me looking well on the outside. And makeup. Kind of like an American Express card….I never leave home without it!!!
So I’m unclear what I would actually look like, if I actually looked like how I felt. How would YOU imagine that?

I would liken it to this famous illusion…what do you see? Young woman, or old woman?
I this this defines me quite well, actually….perhaps elegantly youthful on the outside, well-worn, eyes downcast and aged on the inside.
I suppose you could even take that one bit further and liken it to the old adage of “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.”
Don’t judge me for declining an invitation even though I “don’t look sick”….I’m not a hermit. I’m really rather fun, but when it feels like there are blowtorches aimed into my knees….well….that kinda puts a stick up my ass, and a damper on my wanting to go out and party.
Don’t judge me for giving you a kick-ass “brain board”. “Well then!! You really must be on the up and up!! :o) “. Oh yes, I did it. And I’ll do it again….with wrists that feel like they’re re-broken and a fatigue comparable to that of the flu jacked up on Sugar Smacks.
I now understand why many lupies wish they’d never been told, or, rather, never told anyone else. It’s frustrating.
I’m really getting a good run off of the site http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/ because I know I’m not alone. I can’t even feel comfortable taking 10 minutes to lay down on the couch for fear of retribution of some kind….aka….”judgment”….because…..
Because it LOOKS like there is nothing wrong with me.

If I was looking at you looking at me looking at you through the looking glass….what would YOU see???

2 responses to “Through the looking glass…..

  1. love you to bits darling 🙂

  2. I love the quote "Oh you're looking good! You must be feeling better!" I get that so much, or I used too… now I think my whole family thinks I'm a drug addict lol Why else would i be at home all the time, with dark circles under my eyes, never going out? Because well, I don't look that sick 😛 Just unhealthy! Gotta love the ignorant. We should petition to get a 'Seeing Lupus Dog' it's kind of like a seeing eye dog, but instead of seeing for us. It's just there so people know there is 'something wrong with us' they just dont know what lol. Heck maybe we can even train it to bite people who say "You don't look sick!" Now that would be awesome …. 😀

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